“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
-Woody Allen (maybe)
2016 sucked. It sucked so much in fact, Reddit.com had an entire subreddit devoted to how much it sucked. Entitled r/F*ck2016 (but uncensored), it’s a depressing showcase of all the lives lost of notable celebrities in 2016.
Not only did we lose an unprecedented amount of public figures, but the United States also endured the largest mass shooting in it’s history, an extremely ugly presidential election cycle, and possibly the most upsetting event; the death of the headphone jack.
Ok maybe the headphone jack thing isn’t so bad, but 2016 was pretty sh*tty. So we are going to give you 5 ways to live through 2017. Because surviving another year is as good as it gets sometimes.
#5 Don’t Give Yourself a Damn Stroke
Coming in at number 5, we have something you may not have known could be prevented. Cerebrovascular diseases, or more commonly known as strokes, cause about 50,000 deaths a year, with about 17,000 being preventable. Now you may ask, “how do I prevent a stroke?”. Basically you need to stop being so fat. But more specifically, here are some tips:
-LOWER YOUR F*CKING CHOLESTEROL
-TAKE CARE OF YOUR F*CKING HEART
-GO ON A F*CKING DIET
-GO TO THE F*CKING GYM
-STOP F*CKING SMOKING AND DRINKING
#4 Don’t Mess Up Your Lungs
Not surprisingly, oxygen is like…super important. Your lungs are in charge of all that pesky breathing stuff, and you pretty much do it all the time. Hopefully that didn’t blow your mind. But what might blow your mind is that 40% of lower respiratory diseases are preventable. That’s almost 30,000 extra dead people a year. So how do we take care of those big breathing bags in our chests?
-STOP F*CKING SMOKING
-STOP F*CKING LETTING OTHER PEOPLE SMOKE AROUND YOU
-AVOID ALL THAT POLLUTED F*CKING AIR (probably a little more difficult, but not impossible)
#3 Don’t Injure Yourself in a Stupid Way
According to the outdated data, the 3rd most common cause of death in the United States is “unintentional injuries”, with nearly 40,000 of these deaths being preventable. What’s the major contributor? Automotive deaths and prescription drug misuse. So here are your handy tips:
-WEAR A F*CKING SEATBELT
-WEAR A F*CKING HELMET (if you’re on a motorcycle)
-READ THE F*CKING DRUG LABEL
#2 Don’t Get Cancer
This one is a little more tricky. Cancer is unfortunately everywhere, currently without cure, comes in tons of different varieties, and is hard to predict and prevent. Subsequently it kills almost half a million people per year. But there are some forms of cancer that are preventable, so at least we can focus on that and the nearly 85,000 preventable cases per year:
-STOP F*CKING SMOKING (again)
-CLEAN UP YOUR F*CKING DIET (again)
-GO TO THE F*CKING GYM (again)
-WEAR F*CKING SUNSCREEN
#1 Seriously, Take Care of Your Heart
Over a quarter of a million people die every year from heart disease. Almost 92,000 of these deaths are preventable, making it the deadliest most preventable cause of death. You would think people would know of the importance of their heart. It’s that big thumping thing that moves around all that red stuff in your body. The red stuff carries important things to important places. If that big thumping thing ceases to thump, you are dead. So here are some ways to keep the thumping-thing, thumping:
-SMOKING IS THE F*CKING WORST, STOP DOING THAT SH*T (again)
-LOWER YOUR F*CKING CHOLESTEROL (again)
-CLEAN UP YOUR F*CKING DIET (anyone sensing a pattern?)
-GO TO THE F*CKING GYM (ok, this is getting repetitive)
If you don’t understand how to fix any of these problems, here is a step by step. Go to Google>Type in “How to Stop (insert thing)”>Click Links>Do those things.
CONGRATULATIONS, you may not die this year!
What you have learned today
- DON’T SMOKE
- Eat Healthier
- Don’t be stupid; do the obvious things to help prevent you from dying a premature and unfortunate death